Barney's Great Adventure
(We immediately cut to the G-man on his couch in his living room. He has a green shirt on rather than his usual one) G-man: Hello, everyone. I am the G- Oh! You probably noticed that I look a little different than usual. Well, due to the awfulness of the film that I’m looking at today, my normal shirt burst into flames so I had to change clothes. Wait a minute… (He looks around before getting excided) I don’t have anyone to review it with! That’s it! No! I’m not gonna look at this! I’m not reviewing it, and that is that! (Just as he’s about to relax, Pinkie Pie pops out from the left side of the frame) Pinkie: Hi! G-man: Dah! (He falls over backwards) Pinkie: Whatcha doin’? G-man: Where did you come from?! Pinkie: The front door! (Cut to Pinkie pointing at the wide-open front door briefly before we cut back to her and the G-man) G-man: Why do I always leave that open? Pinkie: Oh well! (She hops onto the couch next to the G-man) So, whatcha doing? G-man: Doing a review? Pinkie: A review? (She squeals in excitement) I love your reviews! Can I help you with one? G-man: Uh… Sure? Pinkie: Yes! What are we gonna review? (The title card for Barney’s Great Adventure plays before we cut back to the duo) Pinkie: Oh! This doesn’t look bad! G-man: The fu-?! (He gets cut off as the intro plays. After that, we cut back to the duo) G-man: Okay, are you sure you want to do this? (Pinkie nods) There’s no stopping when we get through this, right? Pinkie: Yeah, sure! I mean, the movie can’t be that bad, can it? G-man: If you’ve seen what I seen, you wouldn’t thing that… (Cut to a black screen that’s part of the film) Barney (V.O): Oh boy! It looks like everybody’s here! BJ (V.O): Oh man! This is gonna be so cool! (Cut back to the duo. Pinkie attempts to flee, but the G-man stops her) Pinkie: Aah! The voices! Voices! G-man: You said “No going back”, didn’t you? Pinkie: That was before, this is now! G-man: Calm down, we can make it through this! Pinkie: Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I’m not used to this! G-man: You’ll get used to it. (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Anyway, after we get through this really, REALLY creepy opening, we get to the opening theme! Barney (V.O): Well then, here we go! BB (V.O): Roll ‘em! (The film begins. A woman’s voice is heard singing somewhat creepily) Singer: It’s Barney the Dinosaur! Comes knocking on you r front door! (As she sings, we cut back to the duo looking confused) G-man: They picked THAT song for the Barney Movie? It sounds a little… Pedo-ish… Pinkie: Yeeaaah… I wouldn’t be comfortable letting Pound and Pumpkin listen to that… (Cut back to the film) Pinkie (V.O): Anyway, we get them all discussing Grandma and Grandpa’s house, when we’re introduced to out three main characters: Main girl Abby, best friend Marcella, and the bad boy: Cody! (Cut back to the duo) Pinkie: These are our stereotypes, everypony! Get used to them! (Cut back to the film) Marcella: Do you like dinosaurs? Cody: What about them? Abby: That’s Barney! Cody: I know it’s Barney, the whole world knows it’s Barney, and he’s a stuffed doll! Marcella: You’re wrong! Barney can walk and talk! Abby: And sing! And dance! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Uh… Aren’t they a little old to be playing with Barney? Why couldn’t they get younger kids? Pinkie: (She shrugs) Budget cuts? (The G-man nods in agreement as we cut back to the film) Marcella: Are we there yet? Mother: (To father) Your turn! Father: No, not yet, Marcella. Abby: Oh, it’s taking too long! Cody: What’s your hurry? You’re dumping us for a whole week! Father: Oh, come on, Cody! You’re gonna have a great time! You can help Grandpa with the farm chores like, uh… Milking the chickens! (Everyone in the car laughs as we cut back to the duo looking at the camera, then at each other briefly before we cut back to the film) G-man: There’s also an “Apple Festival” going on! Father: Hey, look! Merrivale Apple Day Festival! G-man (V.O imitating the father): It’s so much better than Pomegranate Festival Day! Pinkie (V.O): So we see them go to the grandparent’s house and get settled in. Then when one of the girls starts annoying Cody, he does what anyone would do in this situation: Steal the doll! Cody: Okay, I’ll show you fun! (He steals Barney) Abby: Hey! (Cut to later in the film. Cody runs into the bathroom, hides Barney in the tub, and closes the curtains as the girls run in) Abby: Caught ‘ya! Cody: Were you chasing me? Abby: Yes, now can we have Barney back? Cody: Do I know a Barney? Abby: Cody! Where is he? Cody: I don’t know, Abigale! Why don’t you use your imagination? Abby: Okay, I will! Marcella: Me too! (They close their eyes and begin to imagine as we cut back to the duo) Pinkie: Okay, I think we all know how it’s gonna go, right? They’re gonna imagine, it won’t work until he leaves, and they go off on a- (Cut back to the film. The shower mysteriously turns on and the tub lowers slightly. Cut back to the duo looking frightened briefly before we cut back to Cody slowly opening to shower curtains with the text “Could this music be any creepier?” to reveal Barney. Making the two reviewers jump back) Barney: Towel, please! (The girls and Barney leave the bathroom. Leaving Cody both amazed and confused) Cody? A dinosaur? A dinosaur? Barney the Dinosaur?! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Okay, how can Cody see him? Barney’s supposed to be the embodiment of imagination, only people who imagine him can see him. How the hell is Cody seeing him? Pinkie: Quantum Physics? G-man: No, it’s imagination. It doesn’t work like that! Pinkie: Good point… (Cut back to the film) Pinkie (V.O): So we see them playing in the barn when Cody comes in and asks some pretty legitimate questions! Cody: Hey! What do you think you’re doing? Barney: Uh… Who, me? Cody: Yeah, you! What is this, some kind of a joke?! (Cut) Look, pal, real dinosaurs don’t talk, and real dinosaurs don’t laugh! (He imitates Barney’s laughter) And there aren’t any real dinosaurs anymore! (Cut back to the duo) Pinkie: Very good, Cody! Those are the correct reaction you should be having right now! (She applauds) Very humane, very well-done! (Cut back to the film) Barney: Well, I’m as real as your imagination! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Which isn’t real at all. (Cut back to the film) Cody: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that doesn’t explain- Abby: Cody, you don’t have to explain! (Cut back to the duo) Pinkie: Actually, I’m pretty sure with a movie like this, you kinda have to! G-man: Yeah! I mean, there’s an explanation in the other ones where it just their imagination, but here, they have no explanation whatsoever! Pinkie: Come on! It’s a Barney movie! I mean, do you really expect them to explain? G-man: Good point… (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): So, a song does start here, once again, a Barney movie, but we’ll skip it because, well… (Cut to a clip from Sonic 06) Silver: It’s no use! (Cut back to film after the song is done) Pinkie (V.O): We then see Cody do the most logical thing and try to imagine Barney away. Cody: Okay, Barney. You’re really here. But imagination will make you disappear! Girls: Cody! (Cody closes his eyes and begins to imagine) Cody: I. Do not. Believe in you! (Cody opens his eyes as we cut to a point-of-view of him looking around. Barney is nowhere to be seen. Cut back to the duo) Pinkie: Huh! I guess the film’s over! Thanks a lot for having me over and letting me help with the review! G-man: Oh, no problem! Let’s go! Pinkie: Okie dokie lokie! (The duo walk out of frame, but we cut back to the film. The girls are giggling as Barney appears behind Cody) Barney: That’s okay, Cody. I believe in you! (Cut back to the duo walking back into frame) G-man: It’s still going?! Pinkie: What!? Ugh! This movie’s never gonna end! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): So Barney can just will himself into existence? Even in the realm of this film’s insanity this doesn’t make any sense! Cody: Barney the Dinosaur is not in this barn! (The screen wipes to Cody talking to his grandparents) I’m telling you, Barney’s in your barn! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: So let me get this straight: You expect your grandparents, two fully-grown adults who lived a good chunk of their lives in the real world, to believe that a giant, walking, talking, purple dinosaur is in your damn barn? I had faith in you kid, but that just (He points to his left as Pinkie looks in the same direction) flew right out the window! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Anyway, we see that Barney pops up again to sing ANOTHER song! Barney: Ralph, a little music, please? (Ralph the Dog plays a nearby guitar with his tail as we cut to a clip of JonTron) JT: I have several questions… (Cut back to the film after the song) G-man (V.O): Anyway, we get to a scene where Barney gets Cody to discuss what he thinks is “Cool”. Cody: No way! Defiantly not cool! Barney: What do you think is cool? Cody: Rock singers who spit fire, professional wrestling, (The text “Oh, the irony!” pops up for a brief moment) real stuff! Barney: I see… But you know, Cody, even for grownups, the real adventures in life start with a dream! Cody: A dream? Prove it! Barney: You can only prove it to yourself, Cody. But you could start… Uh… Ah! You could start by wishing on a star! Cody: A star? As if! Stars are only glowing balls of gas a jillion miles from here! Barney: Oh, but I think there’s a very special wishing star in the sky tonight! And it’s right about… There! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Okay, this scene is actually emotional, I’ll give it that! Pinkie: Yeah, you’re right! (Cut back to the film) Pinkie (V.O): So we see Cody make a wish about going on an adventure, when suddenly we see… (An egg falls from the sky and crash-lands in the barn) An egg crash? (The egg rolls a few feet before a bucket lands on top of it. Covering it. Cut back to the duo) G-man: They seriously couldn’t have picked better music than that? Pinkie: Yeah, I mean, I know they’re trying to be “Whimsical”, but it’s really, really creepy! G-man: There’s “Whimsical”, and then there’s “Michael Jackson Whimsical”! Pinkie: Too soon! G-man: Sorry… (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): So after they sing a pointless song… (Cut back to the duo briefly) Yeah, haven’t seen that before! (Cut back to the film) We see Cody and the others find the egg. Abby: It looks like… An egg! (Cut back to the duo) Duo: No shit, Sherlock! (Cut back to the film) Cody: It’s too big to come from the chickens. Marcella: Maybe it was a big, giant chicken? (Cut back to the duo face palming/hoofing briefly before we cut back to the film) Pinkie (V.O): So, we find out that the egg can glow different colors. I’m not sure what the writers were thinking with that… And then we cut to a scene where Barney is… (Cut back to the duo briefly) Changing a diaper? (Cut back to later in the film) G-man (V.O): So then we find out that the best source of information is a woman named… Um… Mrs. Goldfish? Abby: The Bird Lady? (Cut back to the duo laughing) G-man: Seriously? She’s dubbed as “The Bird Lady”? Pinkie: Are they loco in the coco, or what? (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): After some introductions, which she doesn’t have a legitimist reaction to, we enter her house in a… (A giant bird cage lowers down) Bird cage elevator? (Cut back to the duo looking confused) Pinkie: Uh… Moving on? G-man: Yeah… (Cut back to the film. We’re now inside the house) G-man (V.O): So after we enter the house, we get… (He groans) Another song? Really? Barney: Can you tell us what’s inside the egg? Tell us what it is! Kids and Barney: Mrs. Goldfish, what’s inside the egg? You are such a wiz! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Again, should we skip it? Pinkie: You bet! (Cut back to the film after the song) G-man (V.O): Anyway, we learn that the egg is some kind of mystical… Uh… I’m not sure how to explain it… So I’ll let them do it. Mrs. Goldfish: Every thousand years or so, an egg falls from the skies. Inside the shell, the Dream Maker prepares his big surprise. A visitor from days gone by who has a gift to share the boys and girls from around the world from children everywhere! The mark you weald the very spot where first the egg is found, for when the colors all have changed, it must hatch on this ground! Abby: Barney, what does she mean? Barney: Well, the egg will hatch when all five of these rings light up! But it’ll only hatch in the very spot where Cody found it! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Well, that’s easy! All you have to do is wait for the rings to light up, and bring it back to the barn! I’m sure nothing can- (Cut back to the film. Cody accidentally knocks the egg off of the table as the fail horns from the Price is Right play) Pinkie (V.O): So the egg rolls away and lands in a truck as they have to come up with a plan. Cody: Come on, let’s all get on the horse and go! Abby: But we can’t all ride on Agnus! Marcella: I think I have an idea… Barney: Great! But, what is it? (Cut to a bit later in the film. The kids all climb onto Agnus the Horse) Barney: Okay, Agnus, it’s all up to you! Just use your imagination! Cody: You expect a horse to use his imagination? Barney: A horse? Why, of course! (The kids all suddenly have roman helmets on. The objection exclamation from the Phoenix Wright series pops up as Pinkie’s voice is heard) Pinkie (V.O): Objection! (Cut to a sketch with Pinkie at the right podium from the third PW game, and G-man on the left one) Pinkie: Human world horses DO NOT have human souls! And therefor, asking it to make it imagine something, is completely out of whack! G-man: Uh… It’s a kid’s movie? (The text “G-man Wins!” pops up as the announcer from Mortal Kombat says the same thing as the final notes from the G-man’s theme plays. Cut back to the film) Pinkie (V.O): So we see them chase the truck to find… (The inside of the truck is seen. It’s layered with spices, a built-in grill, and the driver is drinking a drink from the roof of the truck) Whoa! (Cut back to the duo looking impressed) G-man: Okay, in all seriousness, that truck is awesome! Pinkie: I know right? If I could drive, I’d buy it! G-man: Amen to that! (Cut back to the film) Pinkie (V.O): So we see them chase the egg all the way to a parade. Then we see Baby Bop asking people for, what else could it be? Her blanket! Oh yeah, we forgot to mention this subplot through THE ENTIRE MOVIE! Baby Bop asks around for her blanket, and that’s it! That’s the subplot! Interested? Well, too bad! (Cut back to the duo) Pinkie: Because we’re going to skip every single elements of this subplot because we’re smart enough to know that we don’t half of this review to be about it! G-man: Oh, and also that no one gives a flying fuck about it! Pinkie: That too! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): The egg ends up in the middle of the street where the parade is taking place. We then see some dancers who are going to dance all over it. Barney: Their going to fancy dance right over the egg! Duo (V.O): Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip! (One of the tuba players trips and the egg gets stuck in the tuba. Cut back to the duo celebrating) G-man: Yes! Pinkie: Score one for the reviewers! G-man: No egg, movie over, goodnight! (The duo relaxes, but we cut back to the film where the tuba player blows the egg out of his tuba. Cut back to the duo) Pinkie: What?! G-man: Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me! Pinkie: That is dumb luck! (Cut back to the film. BJ appears and catches the flying egg) Abby and Marcella: BJ? (Cut back to the duo snickering) Pinkie: Hey, get your dad on the line! (The G-man pulls out his iPhone and calls his father) Dad: Hello? Pinkie: Hey, have you ever had a BJ while playing football? (The duo bursts out laughing) Dad: Well, there was that one time in high school… (The duo stops laughing) Dad: Why is everyone so quiet? (Cut back to the film. We’re now in a fancy restaurant) G-man (V.O): We eventually chase the egg into a restaurant called… Waiter: Welcome to Chez Snob! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Really? Chez Snob? Is it because they’re French? Seriously, how can this film get any worse? Pinkie: Great! Now you jinxed it! G-man: Jinxed wha-? (Cut back to the film. Barney is now up on stage) Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Chez Snob, I’d like to invite you to sing along with one of the all-time great musical masterpieces! (To the band) Maestro? (The band begins playing a jazz version of “Lemon drops and Gumdrops” as we cut back to the duo with their mouths agape) Duo: What. The. Hell?! G-man: I’m sorry, I need to clear my mind of this… (He gets up to leave as we cut back to the film. We cut between it, Pinkie looking confused, and the G-man banging his head against a wall. After it ends, the G-man sits back down on the couch with Pinkie) G-man: I have so many questions! (Cut back to the prior scene with text of what the G-man is saying popping up and disappearing) G-man (V.O): Why do we have a jazz version of this song? Why is nobody questioning why he’s on stage? How do the people playing the song know it? Why aren’t they kicking him out? Why are they dancing along with him? And finally: HOW IS IT A DESTRACTION WHEN THEY’RE GOING AROUND LOOKING FOR THE EGG IN THEIR FOOD?! (Cut back to the duo. The G-man is panting while Pinkie looks on in shock. She then leans over and pats his back) Pinkie: Come on, please calm down! The film’s almost over! We can make it through this! (Cut back to the film) Pinkie (V.O): So we find out that the egg somehow ended up at the circus. We see them ask a bunch of people about before it ends up with the juggler. Barney: Excuse me? Juggler: Whoa! You caught me by surprise my large, purple friend! I like surprises! Duo (V.O): Stop juggling! Abby: But mister, that our egg you’re juggling! Duo (V.O): Stop juggling! Juggler: Well, eggs are for breakfast, and that means frying pans! Duo (V.O): Stop juggling! (The juggler throws the egg high into the sky as we cut back to the duo) Pinkie: Mister, you’ve officially become the biggest meanie in the movie! G-man: That’s a hard accomplishment, to be honest! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Anyway, it inconveniently starts to rain as we go inside a tent. Barney: Cheer up, Abby! We’ll find that egg! (He starts singing) We’re gonna find a way! We’re a super-dee-duper team! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Is there a point? Pinkie: None whatsoever! (Cut back to the film after the song) G-man (V.O): We find out that the egg is in a hot air balloon, so they need to find a way to get it back. Cody: We’ll pretend that this is the fastest, coolest airplane in the entire world! (The log they’re sitting on starts to move a bit) Barney: I think we need your help! I’d like to pretend we can really fly! Let’s all do it together! Ready? (Cut back to the duo briefly with their hands/hooves up the sides of their heads. Imagining) One, two, three, now! (The log starts to fly) Thank you! (The film cuts to black as we hear the sound of a plane crash. Cut back to the duo looking surprised) G-man: Oh my god, it worked! Pinkie: It did? G-man: Yeah, it crashed! The movie’s over! Finally! Pinkie: Yes! (We then cut to Tattletail peaking around the corner of the doorway that leads to the living room) Tattletail: Why so excited? G-man: Oh, the movie’s over! Pinkie: Yeah, we made it crash! Tattletail: If that’s true, why is film still playing? (Cut back to the film briefly. Barney and the kids are flying in the sky on the log, Cut back to the duo groaning) G-man: Are you kidding me!? Pinkie: Seriously?! Tattletail: Sorry! (He giggles as he waddles away. Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): So, they get the egg back and they crash land at the farm. Grandma: What is it? Where’d it come from? (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Well, at least there’s SOMEONE who knows this isn’t normal! Pinkie: Three, actually! Cody, the juggler, and now Grandma! (Cut back to the film. We see the egg start to hatch) G-man (V.O): Anyway, we FINALLY get to see the egg start to hatch. So, what’s inside it that they’ve been building up to? (The egg breaks open. A white, plush-like creature pops out. Cut back to the duo) Duo: What the hell is that?! G-man: The way it sounds, and moves, it’s so creepy! (Cut back to the film) Pinkie (V.O): Either way, we figure out what this “Thing” is supposed to do. Grandpa: So that’s a Dream Maker’s gift! To let you see your own dreams more clearly! Cody: But why? Barney: Because the dreams you see most clearly are the ones that come true! (Cut back to the duo) Pinkie: I’m sorry, but that’s a horrible message! That’s not how life works! I mean, (To the G-man) How much longer is this movie? G-man: Five minutes? Pinkie: Thank goodness! (Cut back to the film) Cody: I just want to say that that I’ve been a big doofus before, and I think you’re pretty cool! Barney: Thank you, Cody! I think you’re pretty cool, too! (Barney and Cody hug as the text “Okay, this is actually touching” pops up Cut o the ending song) Pinkie (V.O): Anyway, they sing their usual ending song, Barney turns back into a doll, and that’s the end! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: So this film was bad! I mean, REALLY bad! (To Pinkie) But I want to hear what you think! Pinkie: Well, I think we said everything that’s needed to be said! G-man: And I think that’s a great note to end it on! Wait a minute… (He laughs happily) I have no more Barney movies to review! Pinkie: Really? G-man: Yeah! I know there are more out there, but I’m not touching those! Pinkie: You’ve done enough, let me tell you that! G-man: So, I am the G-man… Pinkie: And I’m Pinkie Pie! Duo: And that’s all you need to know about that! G-man: So, what am I reviewing next time? (The theme song for Caillou plays and the G-man runs away screaming) G-man: FUUUUUUUUUCK! Category:Episode